If you’ve recently found out that your spouse has been unfaithful, you’re probably feeling a range of intense emotions: anger, hurt, betrayal, confusion, and more. You may not be sure what to do next or how to move forward.
Catching a cheating spouse can be difficult, but there are some things you can do to get answers. One way is to confront your spouse directly and ask questions. It’s natural to want to understand what drove him or her to cheat and what you can do to repair your relationship if anything.
It can be daunting, but it may give you the closure you need. While there are no easy answers, this list of questions can help you get started on the road to healing.
42 Questions to ask your unfaithful spouse that will help you start the conversation:
- Who started the affair?
- Why did you cheat on me with him/her?
- Do you still have feelings for the person you cheated with?
- What led to the affair?
- When did the affair start?
- Was this a one-time thing or a recurring pattern of behavior?
- Where did you have sex?
- How long has this been going on?
- What were your motives for having an affair?
- How much time and effort did you put into hiding the affair from me?
- What signs did I miss that should have warned me that something was going on?
- Did anyone else know about the affair? Who? And how did they find out?
- Should I be worried about STDs? Have you been tested since the beginning/end of the affair?
- What do I need to know about your financial situation as a result of the affair (e.g., credit card bills, joint bank accounts)?
- What do you think I need to do to feel safe again?
- Are you willing to give me some space if I need it?
- What role, if any, did alcohol or drugs play?
- Have you ever thought of leaving me for the person you cheated with?
- What were some of the reasons you decided to stay in our relationship?
- Have you ended things completely with the person you cheated with?
- When and how did you do this?
- Do they know you’re married?
- Do they mean anything to you?
- Do you still have feelings for me?
- How did you meet them?
- What was going through your mind when you cheated?
- Were you thinking about getting caught?
- What role did our relationship play in your decision to cheat?
- What emotional needs weren’t met so you sought someone else?
- How do you see the future of our relationship?
- What steps are you willing to take to restore trust?
- How can I be sure that something like this won’t happen again?
- Have you had any other affairs?
- What did you tell them about me?
- What did you tell them about our relationship?
- Did you ever meet in person or was it just online/on the phone?
- How did you feel during the affair?
- What will you do if I can’t forgive you?
- What will you do if I decide to leave you?
- Do we need to tell our children about this?
- Are there any other secrets or lies I should know about?
- Are you willing to go to counseling with me?
Frequently Asked Questions
Does infidelity pain ever go away?
No one can answer this question unequivocally. Some people who have been hurt by infidelity say that the pain never goes away. They may never fully trust their partner again and may always feel betrayed and hurt. For others, the pain may lessen over time, but it never completely goes away. It depends on the couple’s ability to cope with the issues that arise and the individual’s capacity for forgiveness.
What should you not do after infidelity?
You shouldn’t try to deal with the situation alone. Infidelity is a very complex issue and can be difficult to handle. The best thing you can do is to seek professional help to get through it.
Don’t ignore the problem. If you ignore the problem, it will only get worse and could lead to more cheating.
Don’t try to fix the relationship yourself. That, too, is a job for a professional. If you try to fix things yourself, it could lead to even more problems.
When should you walk away from a cheating spouse?
There’s no blanket answer to this question, as everyone’s situation is different. But in general, if you feel that your relationship is unhealthy or you’re not being treated well, it may be time to leave. If your partner is cheating on you, that’s a sign that it’s time to end the relationship.
Cheating is a betrayal of trust and can be very damaging to a relationship. If you’re no longer happy, it’s probably best to move on and find someone who will make you feel valued and loved.
No one ever wants to think that their spouse may be cheating on them – but unfortunately, infidelity is all too common in marriages and relationships these days. If you think your spouse may be cheating on you, it’s important to take action and get answers.
Otherwise, the distrust and hurt can eat away at your relationship until there’s nothing left. It may not be easy to ask your spouse directly, but it may give you the closure and answers you need to move on.
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